No Sex, Please: We Might be Sore

Definition of sexuality:
“Being so attentive to another that you tend to merge with that other.”
Those words, with capital ‘O’s, could equally be a definition of spirituality.
“Being so attentive to an Other that you tend to merge with that Other.”
For some mystics, sexuality and spirituality are aspects of the same reality: the purpose of human life is to “get out of oneself” and merge with the larger Reality. Saint John of the Cross, for example, lusciously described his prayer life as sexual pursuit and mutual seduction.

The Bible regards human beings as in-breathed bodies, that is, spiritual bodies: not spirits AND bodies, nor flesh AND soul, but just one united package. In classical Christian thought, no division can be made between body, mind and spirit. To emphasise one aspect (say, the spiritual) over another aspect (say, the physical) depreciates the essential wholeness of the human person. So for Christians, having sex is never purely physical, because the human beings engaged in sex are spiritual, emotional, thinking (etc!) bodies. Having sex should be making love. If it is not, the act is expressing hate, or showing indifference. The physical act is inextricably linked to the greater human reality.

For those in pain, sex may be painful. Doctors today even recognise this. In the 20 years following my major operation, sexuality didn’t appear to exist for pain sufferers. Doctors paid attention to the effects pain and pills had on every other function of your body/mind, but avoided mentioning the major impacts pain has on your sex life.

Nowadays, there are questions on pain questionnaires which ask you to rate the obstacle your pain causes for your enjoyment of sex, but I have not yet met a doctor willing to actually discuss the questionnaire results, which in my case document the additional pain of having sex and the decrease of enjoyment of sex. A doctor prepared to discuss sex and pain with me would be a bonus.

For those in pain, it can feel as though the physical pain is taking away the emotional and spiritual joy of making love. But that is not all. Not only is the pain a turn-off, but also body image,
disappointment and lack of control contribute to a diminished sex life.
The pain itself lessens the enjoyment of sex. The person in pain then sees their body as being less than it should be, and their body image becomes yet another barrier to full enjoyment of the other.

Faulty body image means not that something is wrong with the body, but with a person’s picture of their body. A faulty body image arises in chronic pain from not looking at the whole body. A person with chronic pain who looks carefully at their body, however, will find more that is right than is wrong. Looking attentively at what is really there is not only a spiritual act, but also a healing one.

Disappointed with their body’s betrayal, they withdraw from sexual activity, fearing more disappointment. Pills, the pain and one’s partner’s reaction to the medicalising of our lives all reduce one’s sexual response. Sometimes I’m aroused, but at other times, not. This loss of control adds to the spiralling decrease in sexual interest.
It’s easy to give up, or to give in to anger and resentment. But there are genuinely positive ways of responding.

1. Talk about these things to your partner.
Researchers have noted how difficult it is for even loving couples to talk about sex. It may be that your pain and the challenges it brings is a gift to your sex life. It can oblige you how to talk together about sex. The aim is to make love. The agenda of your conversation is how do we make love given the physical and emotional obstacles pain causes?
2. Fall in love all over again by realising how precious touch is; all touch, and not just sexual touch.
So hold hands. Gently brush your partner’s skin as you pass. Kiss when you wake up and kiss when you get ready for sleep. A sexual relationship is not restricted to 20 minutes in bed. Its joy is its anticipation of the constant presence of your lover.
Touch, too, is the precursor to massage. I am one of those who dislike massage. But a gentle touch relaxes my muscles and can reduce pain.
On the principle that ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’, share the touching and be attentive more to your partner than to your pain.

3. Keep your bedroom a bower for intimacy (and sleeping!), and stop it looking like a hospital.
Take pills off the bedside table; put medical equipment in the cupboard; take pain diaries and exercise charts down from the walls and put them out of sight, preferably out of the bedroom. Cover hospital pillows with a quilt or colourful slips.

4. Be tolerant of your mind’s nocturnal fantasies.
Sexual dreams involving others are not necessarily temptations to infidelity. They may just be your mind working out ways of maximising your physical and emotional enjoyment of life under restricted circumstances. Learn to welcome your unconscious mind’s attempts to link physical sexuality with emotional and spiritual love. Your mind knows how important it is for you to love your body and with your body.

In all things, be attentive and open to the love of the Other. As other human beings do, make love as best you can within the limitations of what you are given.

In times of temporary or ongoing celibacy with chronic pain, the two-way definition of loving the other/Other still applies: “Be so attentive to an Other that you tend to merge with that Other.” In the 13th century Franciscan theologian Dun Scotus taught that every creature is a little Word of God: an instance of Incarnation. Every person or being to which one gives one’s loving and respectful attention draws us closer into union with God.

For those of us in continuing pain, this knowledge is a beacon of hope. We do have the ability to look beyond our preoccupation with ourselves and our pain, and look into the face of God. That’s sexy. That’s the ultimate in spirituality.

Author: Ted Witham

Husband and father, Grandfather.Franciscan, writer and Anglican priest.

4 thoughts on “No Sex, Please: We Might be Sore”

    The above is not the whole story. An article in this weekend’s “Australian” magazine reminds me that having sex is a good pain-killer (not to mention a thorougly excellent distraction!) According to the authors of “The Fit List”, the body produces oxytocin during orgasm, which is linked with pain relief. Added to the endorphins produced during sex, the analgesic effect is marked.
    Oxytocin also aids sleep, and the deep relaxation of sleep decreases pain. Try it!

  2. Hi Ted! You were certainly game to broach the subject of pain and sex. Good on you for your frankness and openness. Over the years, a number of parishioners and friends have shared with me details of their intimate lives, and their stories have reinforced for me the absolute necessity of 100% honesty with one’s sexual partner, if a relationship is going to work. Sharing things from the dark side of one’s life is always better in the long run, than a conspiracy of silence, and the dark things have got a habit of coming out eventually anyway. I have seen too much deep hurt when people have thought that they could keep secrets from their partner. I’m not necessarily talking about infidelities: I have known for instance of a bridegroom concealing his impotence from his bride, giving her an awful shock on their wedding night!

    And so far as the physical aspects of sex are concerned, important though they are, I have come to feel, that they are “acessories after the fact” of the “being there for the other” aspect of love. And this “being there” of course has to involve unconditional forgiveness, and total, “till death us do part” commitment. When those qualities are there, the physical aspects of sex will and fall into place. So even if pain prevents intercourse, or makes it undesirable, there are alternatives like giving mutual manual relief to each other. Love finds a way!

    But much as I admire a lot of Roman Catholic spirituality, and have been helped by reading books on it from that quarter, I feel that there are too many blind spots in their aproach to sex for their writings to be helpful, best summed up by the Italian-Australian’s response to the “Humanaue Vitae” encyclical of 40 years ago now: “He [the Pope] no playa da game, he no makea da rules!”

    Blessings on yours and Rae’s journey,


  3. Dear Ian
    Thanks for the comment. The irony being of course that couples who find it easy to talk about their sex life have fewer problems, and the ones with problems find it more difficult to take the advice to talk about them. Those who need the advice end up not hearing it!

    The particular issue with pain seems to be that the physical obstacles to enjoying sex can come with such emotional distress – disappointment and confusion – that the person in pain and their partner can find it quite hard to re-gain the equilibrium to talk about their sex life again. To them – and to me – I say, be encouraged. The intimacy gained is worth it.

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